“Grab ’Em by the Badge”: New Trump Tape Appears

Once again, Donald's loose lips betray him in a meetup with Billy Bush — and Merrick Garland?

Socks (no threat to American democracy) eyes an unspooled audiotape.
Credits: National Archives via Wikipedia; Dan Cristian Pădureț via Unsplash

BREAKING:

Over the transom this morning came what at first seemed merely a Beatles mixtape with an 18½-minute gap. I unraveled the cassette intending to gift it to the neighbor’s cat Socks, but forensic enhancement of the gap revealed faint audio of a previously unreported Donald Trump encounter with Billy Bush, an unknown associate … and Merrick Garland. A transcript follows.

Paul McCartney: … Get back to where you once belonged. Oh, get back, get back. Get back, oh yeah.

Unknown: The FBI used to be great, it’s still very beautiful.

Trump: I moved on it actually. You know the agents were down on Palm Beach. I moved on the FBI, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck it up, but it was married to truth and justice.

Unknown: That’s huge news there.

Trump: No, no, Nancy. No, this was Bill Barr and I moved on him very heavily, in fact I took him out vote shopping. I wanted to get 11,780 votes. I said, I’ll show you where they have some nice votes. I moved on him like a bitch. I couldn’t get there and he was married to his oath. Then all of a sudden I see him on Capitol Hill, he’s now got the big phony testimony and everything. He’s totally changed his tune.

Bush: Your FBI agent’s hot as shit. In the purple windbreaker.

Multiple voices: Whoah. Yes. Whoah.

Bush: Yes. The Donald has scored. Whoah my man.

Trump: Maybe it’s a different one.

Bush: It better not be the US Attorney. No, it’s, it’s an agent.

Trump: Yeah, that’s her with the gold. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start dissing her. You know I’m automatically distracted by law enforcement. I just start dissing them. It’s like antimatter. Just diss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.

Bush: Whatever you want.

Trump: Grab ’em by the badge. You can do anything.

Bush: Yeah, those legs. All I can see is the legs.

Trump: It looks good.

Bush: Come on, shorty.

Trump: Oh, nice legs huh.

Bush: Get out of the way, shorty. Oh, that’s Merrick Garland. Go ahead.

Trump: Hello, how are you? Hi.

Garland: Hi Mr. FPOTUS. How are you?

Trump: Nice seeing you. Terrific. Terrific.

Garland: Are you ready to be indicted?

Trump: We’re ready. Let’s go. Make me a felon.

Bush: How about some cuffs for the Donald, just keeping it real?

Garland: Would you like a steel bracelet, Donald?

Trump: Absolutely. Melania said it was okay.

[Sounds of a scuffle, running feet, sirens and a pursuit]

Bush: Soon as a prosecutor shows up he just, he takes off. This always happens.

Garland: Prosecutor? I should actually be on the Supreme Court.

Bush: Now if you had to choose, honestly, between jailing the Donald or pleading him out, which would it be?

Garland: That’s some pressure right there.

Bush: Seriously, you had to make a decision.

Garland: I have to take the Fifth on that one.

Bush: Really?

Garland: Yep. Same answer.

Paul McCartney: Flew in from Miami Beach BOAC. Didn't get to bed last night. On the way, the paper bag was on my knee. Man, I had a dreadful flight…