Cabinetry Pagentry (Plutocrat Whore)

A crowd pleaser from "Trump - the Musical!"

LOBBY. TRUMP TOWER. DECEMBER 2016.

A glum Trump is at stage right, standing in profile. PENCE (smiling throughout like a Stepford wife) and a group of Cabinet SUPPLICANTS enter stage left. Jared enters, carrying something unseen in his hand.

The following is recitative.

JARED
I'm Jared,

The Supplicants pull back.

JARED
Don't be scare-ed!

But you should draw near;

They do.

JARED
For I alone have the President's ear.

And indeed he does. He displays the EAR to the Supplicants, who GASP in horror.

SUPPLICANTS
It's his ear!

Trump glares, until Jared hands him the ear, which Trump grumpily replaces on the far side of his head.

TRUMP
NOW THAT THE CLOCK IS TICKING,
WE'RE DUE FOR SOME BOOTLICKING.

PENNY, WHY DON'T YOU START?
JUST SING FROM YOUR HEART.

PENCE
YOU'RE THE MAN OF MY DREAMS!
YOU GIVE ME ORGASMIC SCREAMS!

SUPPLICANT 1
I'LL POLISH THOSE BOOTS TO A NICE SHEEN!

SUPPLICANT 2
AND THEN I'LL BEND DOWN AND LICK THEM CLEAN!

SUPPLICANT 3
YOU'RE A MAN'S MAN!

SUPPLICANT 1
YOU'RE STRONG AS A ROCK!

PENCE
CAN I SUCK YOUR BIG ...

SUPPLICANTS
(shocked)
Ohh!

TRUMP
NO, JUST KISS MY RING,
NOT MY PRIVATE THING.

PENCE / SUPPLICANTS
(disappointed)
Aww!

TRUMP
AND NOW THAT WE ALL HAVE MET,
LET'S STOCK MY CABINET.

End recitative.

SUPPLICANTS

"Cabinetry Pageantry (Plutocrat Whore)"

I WANT TO BE A SECRET'RY
HAVE BUREAUCRATS AFRAID OF ME
HIRE STAFF AND A DEPUTY
OR MAYBE EVEN THREE.

I'D LIKE TO BE A SECRET'RY
AND HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULD HIRE ME
MY DISTINGUISHED PATE
WOULD BE GREAT FOR STATE,
AND MY VENALITY FOR AG.

YES, MY DISTINGUISHED PATE
WOULD BE GREAT FOR STATE
AND MY VENALITY FOR AG.

YOU KNOW THAT I LOOK THE PART
AND THAT ALONE IS THE ART
OF SELLING AND CLOSING THE DEAL
CUZ ... I ... HAVE ... CURB ... APPEAL!

CURB APPEAL!

TRUMP
HERE'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR!

SUPPLICANTS
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

TRUMP
HERE'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:

I NEED SOME NASTY VULTURE
TO APPOINT TO AGRICULTURE!
FIND ME A DUD
FOR THE SPOT AT HUD,
ONE WHO'S INFERIOR
FOR INTERIOR!
OF LOWER STATION
FOR EDUCATION!

THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR!

SUPPLICANTS
THAT'S WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR!

TRUMP
THAT'S WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR!

SUPPLICANTS
'CROSS THE LOBBY OF TRUMP TOWER
WE LEARN WHO HAS THE POWER
THE DONALD, MEIN TRUMP
AND WE ALL TAKE THE LUMPS.

WE TAKE THE LUMPS BECAUSE ...

IT'S ...

CABINETRY PAGEANTRY!
WE'RE PARADED AROUND FOR ALL TO SEE
I LET HIM HUMILIATE ME
FOR A CHANCE TO MOVE TO DC!

It's as though I'm serving a sentence
On Celebrity Apprentice! But why?

ALL
(recitative)
I have so much money
I don't need any more
So the dumb working-class
Thinks I'll save their ass -

What fools! Of course
I still wanna score:
I want more and more and more

CUZ I'M A PLUTOCRAT WHORE!

PLUTOCRAT WHORE!

I'LL RAPE AND I'LL PILLAGE AND PURGE
I LIKE TO ACQUIRE AND MERGE:
I NEED MORE AND MORE AND MORE
CUZ I'M A PLUTOCRAT WHORE!

PLUTOCRAT WHORE!

ETHICS ARE SUCH A BORE,
I'M ROTTEN TO THE CORE:
I'M A BILLIONAIRE, HEAR ME ROAR!
YES, WE'RE ALL PLUTOCRAT WHORES!

PLUTOCRAT WHORES!

TRUMP
I'LL DRAIN THE SWAMP OF SWILL
REARRANGE AND THEN REFILL
WITH GALLONS OF BRINE
AND TANKERS OF SLIME
I'LL MAKE THE LIBERALS ILL.

I SUBJECTED GOLDMAN SACHS
TO RELENTLESS ATTACKS
BUT NOW THEY'RE BACK
SO CUT ME SOME SLACK
I'M A HYPOCRITE, CAN'T YOU SEE?

YES, CALL IT HYPOCRISY!
DEMOCRACY, PLUTOCRACY?              [doesn't understand "plutocracy"]
THESE WORDS ARE ALL THE SAME TO ME!         [frustrated]
KLEPTOCRACY, BRANDOCRACY
MY FAVORITE IS AUTOCRACY!

SUPPLICANTS / JARED
THEY THINK WE DRINK BEER NOT VERMOUTH
THE VOTERS WILL SOON SEE THE TRUTH:

SUPPLICANTS
OBAMA'S WERE WOKE
BUT WE ARE A JOKE

ALL
I'LL SIPHON OFF CASH
AND INCREASE MY STASH
I'LL OFFSHORE MY WEALTH
WITH THE GREATEST OF STEALTH
I'LL BUY UP GOLD
AND TREASURES OF OLD.

CUZ I'M A PLUTOCRAT WHORE.

YES, I'M A PLUTOCRAT WHORE.

SUPPLICANT 1
(lower)
PLUTOCRAT WHORE!

SUPPLICANT 2
(even lower)
PLUTOCRAT WHORE!

SUPPLICANT 3
(lower still)
PLUTOCRAT WHORE!

ALL
CUZ … WE'RE … ALL … PLUTOCRAT … WHORES.

Pence and the Supplicants exit. Trump pivots and watches them almost longingly as the music fades.

SUPPLICANT 1 (O.S.)
What a fucking moron!

Trump briefly reacts, then composes himself, balls his fists, and stalks offstage towards the Supplicants, leaving Jared alone as we ...